The gritty side of spirituality

Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When he saw that he had not prevailed against him, he touched the socket of his thigh; so the socket of Jacob’s thigh was dislocated while he wrestled with him. Then he said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking.” But he said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” So he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” He said, “Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel; for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed.” Then Jacob asked him and said, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And he blessed him there. So Jacob named the place Peniel, for he said, “I have seen God face to face, yet my life has been preserved.” 

(Genesis 32:24-30) 

This passage has been one of the constants in a year of uncertainty. In the nights of exasperated prayer, I've felt exactly like Jacob as my will went to battle against God's. Slowly, I'm learning not to trust what I want anymore. It's being fixated on a brushstroke in the painting only God sees.

The thing about 2014 is that these battles have followed one another closely by the heels. I move on from one situation and all the sudden something new shows up. The night is getting long and Jacob's exhaustion is tangible. It becomes tempting to quit. But the striking thing about this story is that Jacob refused to give in until he received a blessing.

Obedience to God is not a passive activity. Christ alludes to this in His story of the widow and the judge. We need to present God with His promises until we recognize them in our lives. Not because God is a detached bureaucrat in the cosmic DMV who needs constant nagging to accomplish anything; instead, our perseverance builds our reliance on Him. Two and a half years ago, I realized my dad was going to die. By far, the intensity of that situation trumps everything I have gone through since. But God brought me through it. Sometimes, God's will is going to be terrifying. What makes us survive is holding Him to His promises; confidence in His faithfulness is the only antidote to our doubts.

I can't explain why taking my dad from me so prematurely is the wisest plan for my life. It's a question I struggle with every day, and one I probably will never find an answer to this side of eternity. The dark providences of life can seem to be utterly irrational. But what I'm learning, painfully, is that God's plan is always  better than my own. The great thing about losing to God is that it's actually winning. In the minor trials I've been through, it's only when I admitted defeat that God unveils more of the picture and I see how foolish any other alternative would have been. During the clash of wills, God was the one who had my best interests in mind. Not me. God has been faithful to me in the trials that I can explain, and because of this, I know He will remain by my side in the the ones that defy reason.

"And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, 'My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.'" (Matthew 26:39)