Those two kingdoms

Came across this passage that I saved a few months ago. Couldn't think of a better way to express the responsibility we Christians have in the midst of a very troubled/uncertain time in our culture.

"Christians should pursue cultural activities not with a spirit of triumph and conquest over their neighbors but with a spirit of love and service toward them. Far too often Christian writers and leaders imbue their audience with a drive to take over - to take over politics, education, the courts, and whatever else (or maybe it is put in more palatable terms, such as taking back instead of taking over, as if Christians are the rightful owners of everything and are simply reclaiming what is already theirs). The New Testament does call us 'more than conquerors through him who loved us' (Rom. 8:37), and on the day of Christ's return we will share in his visible triumph over his enemies (e.g., 2 Thess. 1:5-10). But until then God calls us to be involved in activities such as education and politics not in order to trounce opponents but to serve neighbors, 'You have heard that it was said, "You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy." But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you' (Matt. 5:43-44). The apparent enemy is our neighbor (Luke 10:25-37). It is all too easy to demonize those with whom we disagree and seek to vilify them for their sins in order to gain tactical advantage - even though their conduct often outshines our own in many areas of life, and though, if we do avoid their sins, we do so only by the unmerited grace of God. We have been justified in Christ precisely so that we may love and serve our neighbor, for this is the fulfillment of the law (Rom. 13:8-10; Gal. 5:13-14). The New Testament constantly calls us to gentleness, meekness, patience, and humility (e.g., Matt. 5:5; Gal. 5:22-23; Eph. 4:2). If only we were as eager to deal with our own many sins as we are to expose the sins of others whom we regard as our cultural opponents - if only we would learn to take the log out of our own eyes before seeing the speck in another's eye (Matt. 7:1-5). The way of love and service in all areas of culture, not the way of vilification and conquest, is the proper Christian attitude."

(David VanDrunen, Living in God's Two Kingdoms, 124-125)

Love (III)

Love bade me welcome: yet my soul drew back,
Guiltie of dust and sinne.
But quick-ey’d Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning,
If I lack’d any thing. 

A guest, I answer’d, worthy to be here:
Love said, You shall be he.
I the unkinde, ungratefull? Ah my deare,
I cannot look on thee.
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
Who made the eyes but I? 

Truth Lord, but I have marr’d them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve.
And know you not, sayes Love, who bore the blame?
My deare, then I will serve.
You must sit down, sayes Love, and taste my meat:
So I did sit and eat.

George Herbert

Eight years

I think I will always be entertained by each passing year that this blog still exists. Here's to eight more.

2016 was rough. It was manageable on a personal level (college grad, whadup!!), but absolutely agonizing as a friend, as I watched many people I deeply care for go through some pretty intense trials. And on a societal level, it was just bizarre. I have a hard time believing anything is impossible anymore. What a time to be alive.

There's a lot of uncertainty in the upcoming year, including several major life decisions I'll have to make. During my college years, which held their own kind of tests and trials, one of the hymns we sang in church took on a lot of meaning for me. It captures the sense of helplessness mixed with faith in the promises of God that seems to become more and more a part of the Christian life. It's become one of my favorites, and something I hope to keep close by as the year unfolds.

Guide me, O thou great Jehovah,
Pilgrim through this barren land;
I am weak, but thou art mighty;
Hold me with thy pow'rful hand;
Bread of heaven, Bread of heaven,
Feed me till I want no more.

Open now the crystal fountain,
Whence the healing stream doth flow;
Let the fire and cloudy pillar
Lead me all my journey through;
Strong Deliverer, strong Deliverer,
Be thou still my Strength and Shield.

When I tread the verge of Jordan,
Bid my anxious fears subside;
Death of death, and hell's Destruction,
Land me safe on Canaan's side;
Songs of praises, songs of praises
I will ever give to thee.

Femina contra mundum

So I indulged in a bit of narcissism and was reading through my posts, and I realized that I've kind of become that person I said I hated back in July. All I talk about is school. Granted, it takes up the majority of my time and almost all of my mental capacities at the moment, but it's still not the only relevant thing going on in my life.

For what will probably be the only time I will ever do this, on my blog, in public, and which I might delete at any given post-publication moment, I think I'm going to talk about one of my most hated subjects: my relationship status. It's only come up twice in the nearly-eight years I've been writing here, and I've worked hard to keep it that way. This blog is not a kumbaya care-and-share extravaganza. In nicer words, it just feels unprofessional and unproductive. Yeah, I already hate myself for posting this.

I'm making this exception, though, because of a sobering conversation I had with one of my most trusted friends. We were talking about our generation of Reformed Baptists, and how we've both encountered a disturbing amount of peers who say they are committed to our confession, but don't really live it out. My friend remarked that if you're a genuinely confessional female, and you're interested in marriage, the chances are you will end up being the spiritual leader in the relationship. That really bothers me.

I guess I'm writing this post as a kind of defiance. For several years, I struggled with contentment and finding my place in the sociology of the church. I learned that in most of the times I dealt with anxiety, the root of my unhappiness didn't lie in the circumstances of my life at the moment, but in the fear of losing the happiness I currently enjoyed. The Bible talks about how singles have it really good. I can finally attest to this in my own life: I'm in grad school with promising research opportunities, I'm surrounded by a close circle of family and friends, I'm involved in a solid church, and I have the ability to do reckless stuff like last minute trips or impromptu social events during the week. Why on earth would I give up this freedom for a relationship in which I'd never be able to shake the feeling that I've betrayed the essence of who I am? If that is the reality of marriage for a Reformed Baptist young woman, it is not worth it to me. I could never truly love someone I don't respect; it doesn't work.

I know the readership of this blog is minuscule, to say the least. But if for some reason, some young girl is out there and finds this: Please, don't throw away your spiritual and intellectual integrity for love. It sounds lovely and romantic and fearless, but it's only capitulation. Hold out for someone you love and respect.

The Reformed Baptist movement is still fragile in many ways. On a human level, our future depends upon the faithfulness of the young men and women emerging in its churches today. We rightly pray for future pastors, but we need to pray for committed laity as well. We need boys who man up and live disciplined lives, and girls who recognize the vital role women play in the church. To my fellow young adults: The Christian life is about glorifying God and serving his kingdom. Some of you will be fortunate enough to find spouses who share your commitment. But, for others, this is going to mean choosing between marriage and our beliefs. Are we willing to make that decision?

Further thoughts on feminism

Teenage Jane Grey reading Plato...in the original Greek

"'...as I was saying we shall never agree, I suppose, upon this point. No man and woman, would, probably. But let me observe that all histories are against you--all stories, prose and verse. If I had such a memory as Benwick, I could bring you fifty quotations in a moment on my side the argument, and I do not think I ever opened a book in my life which had not something to say upon woman's inconstancy. Songs and proverbs, all talk of woman's fickleness. But perhaps you will say, these were all written by men.'

'Perhaps I shall. Yes, yes, if you please, no reference to examples in books. Men have had every advantage of us in telling their own story. Education has been theirs in so much higher a degree; the pen has been in their hands. I will not allow books to prove anything.'" 

(Persuasion, ch. 23)

A while ago, reeling from my first exposure to literary theory, I wrote this post.

For the most part, I stand by the spirit of my arguments. Without rejecting the merit of diversity itself, it does have a potential dark side: division. I believe my fears of toxic disunity have been justified in the elections that recently took place both in the U.S. and the U.K.; they reveal that none of the special interest groups (and I do include the white establishment) have done a particularly admirable job of working together, listening to one another, or finding common ground. This is what happens to society when everyone fixates on his or her own personal interests, with little plan for how to implement proposed changes in a sustainable way.

At the same time, I was recently reminded of a conversation I had with a friend I met in Cambridge. He was a fellow international Reformed Baptist, but unlike me, he hailed from the Czech Republic. We were discussing the current landscape of Christian publishing, and he made an observation that struck me: Much of what gets published is written by Americans and is directed toward an American audience. It's as if the U.S. is the "center" of the Christian world. However, the cultural climate in places like Eastern Europe is a lot different than that of the U.S., and so for someone in my friend's position, there's a good portion of these books that simply is irrelevant, while key issues facing non-Western society are left untouched; it leaves these individuals on the outer circles. This doesn't mean the books being published are useless to non-Americans, because there's a lot of insight that can be relevant to anyone; this insight is simply lacking the potential to be enriched by other perspectives than that of America.

I realized that this easily translates into the world of literary theory, and as a result, I believe my views have become more nuanced. Yes, the goal is harmony. But it's also true that there historically has been a "center" (male-dominated publishing) that often did leave women feeling disenfranchised. There's nothing wrong about having books written with men or Americans in mind, per se. What becomes problematic is when passages that contain male/American-specifc perspectives are assumed to be the default or universal experience; when outside voices are actively excluded (take the Jane Austen quote above).

I still wouldn't consider myself a radical feminist or anything approaching that. I continue reading and loving books written by men, sometimes containing male bias, because I believe they do have important things to say, regardless of gender or passages that are askew. Oftentimes, male authors are able to quite successfully portray experiences I have gone through as a woman. I would consider myself more pragmatic than those who argue that the only person allowed to write on an issue is one who has experienced it firsthand. However, I have a deeper appreciation now for the limits of literature. Authors are not divinely inspired, and our attempts at describing universal human experiences are inevitably flawed. For those who are driven to add more female voices to the literary canon, or even to point out where male authors could do better, I say bravo. But I ask that such work be done graciously. I'm learning that accepting that these literary efforts will be imperfect is a kind of humility, one that frees us from unrealistic expectations of human ability.

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.
Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.
 

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord
And to meditate in His temple.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.
And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You,
“Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.”
Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the Lord will take me up.

Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a level path
Because of my foes.
Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries,
For false witnesses have risen against me,
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.

Several notes to self

A few items loosely tied together by a similar theme that passed through my mind today:

We had a guest speaker at church, and one of the Scripture readings from the evening service struck me as jarringly beautiful.

For you have not come to a mountain that can be touched and to a blazing fire, and to darkness and gloom and whirlwind, and to the blast of a trumpet and the sound of words which sound was such that those who heard begged that no further word be spoken to them. For they could not bear the command, “If even a beast touches the mountain, it will be stoned.” And so terrible was the sight, that Moses said, “I am full of fear and trembling.” But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to myriads of angels, to the general assembly and church of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the Judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood, which speaks better than the blood of Abel.

Hebrews 12.18-24

Hebrews is my favorite book of the Bible, partly because of how artistically-rich it is (the typology, metaphors and illustrations, and heavy use of Old Testament texts make it very familiar to the stuff I study every day in English), but most importantly because it does such a sophisticated job of showing us how all of history acts as a pointer to the glory of God. It's so layered: The theology we confess and the good works we practice are all signposts to the work God has done in the past and promises to do in the future. I love the above passage because it provides a glimpse of God's awe-inspiring, yet also terrifying, holiness in harmony with His unprecedented mercy, made possible in Christ. The Old Testament narratives both pale in comparison to the story of redemption, yet gain incredible significance from it.

---

I'm reading a Puritan booklet appropriately titled Stop Loving the World. Purposefully picked it up because I have been very aware of temptation surrounding me lately. It's easy to want to blend into the people around you, or put undo hope in the flattering feedback you receive on work. I've never been so aware of how easily subtle shifts in thought can undermine an entire worldview. (I've also been surprised by how effective consistent prayer is for restoring the Christian state of mind: despite being one of the most mentally-challenging semesters I've experienced, it's probably been my most peaceful one yet....there's definitely a direct relationship.) Anyway, William Greenhill lists four reasons it is foolish to invest yourself in worldly concerns, and I think I need this reminder right now:

1. "It will direct you to things that are merely probable, and make you leave things that are certain." (16)
2. "Supposing we do get the world with our endeavors, we cannot keep it without fear of losing it." (17)
3. "Supposing we do get the things of the world and are able to keep them, they will not satisfy our souls." (17)
4. "Loving the world directs us toward the worst things. All the things of the world are perishing, but the things of God are durable." (19)

It's a bit of a throwback to Boethius and his similar caution against setting your hope in things that will inevitably let you down (i.e. everything not God). Just like Hebrews, we are confronted with what is here now, and what is better, later.

Grad school Stockholm syndrome

too good to keep on fb

I seem to be unable to shake the habit of writing here when I have imminent term paper deadlines. Going to keep justifying the practice as a "warm-up writing exercise." That sounds good. Anyways, in the past few months, I've had all kinds of profound thoughts on such topics as feminist literary theory, privilege, and the horror movie election that just took place. Most likely, they are offensive to both sides of their respective debates, which I find highly entertaining but nevertheless will only discuss in such backwater locations as this blog. That moderate lifestyle though. Going to save those for later and just do a quick school update for now.

---

The particular paper I'm avoiding at the moment (as much as I love it) is on Chaucer's Knight's Tale and what appears to be its semi-allegorical narrative of love and salvation. Basically, I was desperate for a topic, so I fell back on my old standby, of rereading the story and hoping for some thread of an idea to jump out at me. Bingo, I wasn't disappointed. There's this interesting moment where Chaucer hints that the conflict between the two knights ultimately comes down to love: they both love the same woman, but for different reasons. It reminded me of a popular idea in Medieval theology, originating in St. Augustine, where all of morality comes down to love: it's a good thing in itself, but it becomes bad when you either love the wrong object, or fail to recognize how a good object ultimately points you back to God. This is huge in Dante's Divine Comedy, especially in Purgatorio, which is about loving earthly things more than God. So my paper will talk about how these ideas show up in Chaucer, and how he seems to advocate a view of salvation as a phenomenon that reorients your love back to God Himself.

---

In other research-related news, I had an exciting epiphany late the other night regarding potential PhDs. I've long been contemplating taking the plunge (and I'm still very undecided), but I think I've moved a step forward in finding a potential subject. Both of my college senior thesis projects explored facets of early Baptist literature. In spring, I discovered Benjamin Keach, aka the "it guy" of early Baptist culture. I hadn't been able to do much research on him since, but in procrastinating my current project this past week, I delved a little deeper into some of his collected works. I was shocked to find out he was a bit of a prolific poet.

Being a non-conformist Puritan, Keach would have taken a strongly conservative stance on theological and cultural issues. However, he produced a treasure trove of poetry, especially of the epic genre. This is slightly huge, because the epic was considered the highest form of art in pre-modern culture; in other words, it was the most cosmopolitan, sophisticated, elite type of poetry. With its conventions of florid language, prominent Greek mythology, and humanist themes, it would seem to be the ultimate form of the "worldliness" the Puritans vehemently rejected. But here Keach, one of the leading Baptist theologians, is using it to talk about his faith. Fascinating. He also produced a lot of lyric poetry (much of which was hymn material) that connects him to another of my 17th Century heroes, George Herbert.

A lot of the church scholarship on the early Baptists focuses on their doctrinal treatises, which is understandable, given the fact that today's form of our denomination is still new (50 years or so); we're still in the process of rediscovering the theology of our forefathers. At the same time, I think that it would be a mistake to overlook Keach's penchant for literary experiments; being a representative figure of his contemporary Baptists, his interest in literary theology has a lot to say about early Baptist culture in general.

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That got really long, but writing always helps me sort out my thoughts. Sometimes I think I'm in too deep now - as if, having discovered this gap in scholarship, I have a moral responsibility to address it. I've had professors describe it as a type of calling: you can run from it as much as you want, but it always manages to find you. Maybe I'm not that far yet. But maybe I am.

And now this post has come full circle.

One more for the road

Randomly came across this passage tonight. I've been reminded during the past few weeks of how often Apollyon likes to show up as soon as we exit the Palace Beautiful; it's when I've been most vulnerable lately. Glad for the reminder that I need to keep in the Scriptures especially after I leave church on Sunday.

Then Apollyon espying his opportunity, began to gather up close to Christian, and wrestling with him, gave him a dreadful fall; and with that Christian's Sword flew out of his hand. Then said Apollyon, I am sure of thee now; and with that he had almost prest him to death; so that Christian began to despair of life. But as God would have it, while Apollyon was fetching of his last blow, thereby to make a full end of this good Man, Christian nimbly reached out his hand for his Sword, and caught it, saying, Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy! when I fall, I shall arise; and with that, gave him a deadly thrust, which made him give back, as one that had received his mortal wound: Christian perceiving that, made at him again, saying, Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors, through him that loved us. And with that, Apollyon spread forth his Dragons wings, and sped him away, that Christian saw him no more.

In this Combat no man can imagine, unless he had seen and heard as I did, what yelling, and hideous roaring Apollyon made all the time of the night, he spake like a Dragon: and on the other side, what sighs and groans burst from Christians heart. I never saw him all the while give so much as one pleasant look, till he perceived he had wounded Apollyon with his two-edg'd Sword, then indeed did he smile, and look upward: but 'twas the dreadfullest sight that ever I saw.

(Pilgrim's Progress, 94-96)

A reminder to self of why I do what I do

One of the perks of being at a big (to me) research university is that we have access to a lot of English-related databases. There's stuff I've never heard of before, and it seems like each week I find out about some new place that sounds fun to aimlessly browse helpful for grown-up research. One of my friends mentioned that  EEBO (Early English Books Online) has some pretty crazy theological stuff, so naturally I had to check it out. Anyway, somehow I ended up looking up first-ish editions of the King James and Geneva Bibles. HOLY MOLY THESE ARE COOL! Even though the days of Catholic manuscripts are gone, these Bibles are still way prettier than anything we have today. Woodblock prints and design-y stuff all over the place, right next to the text. They're also straight up study Bibles. Maps, explanatory notes, summaries, cross-references, read-the-Bible-in-a-year-calendars.

 

There's also this. Might have to click on it to see it more clearly, but I loved the pastoral care behind the decision to include advice on how to get the most out of your reading:

CHARTS FOR THE WIN!

That is all.

(Maybe a life update later.....the past few weeks have been nutty)